Banal Hemorrhage

Someone remind me what a real dog is like. I have two of the most ineffective beings at dog-ing that I can think of. Pooping is one category in which our dogs choose to be different. Specifically Conan, the boy dog. He can’t compete in size (his poops are Hershey Kiss sized) so he seems to compete on area of coverage.  He chooses a little patch of land to coronate with his defecate, and he does it with the theatrics of a conquering Visigoth.  A thing I left out in the comic, because I respect my viewers, is that he consistently gets an erection while planting his pigmy pies. Every. Single. Time. So he’s balancing in two legs and skipping about with his butt shadowing his next target while sporting the most unsightly of anacondas. Fun fact about this comic, if you arrange the poops in a musical staff using an algorithm and play it back in an accordion, it sounds like crap. 

I'm a 45 year old, and the only things that have made me bleed are avocados and Cats. How proud my ancestors must be. Fought on the great wars so I can pierce the palm of my hand while cutting the symbol for a privileged life. God damned avocados.  I was also mangled by cats... beings that are 1/4th of my size.  And yet, every cat that has moved in with me has rendered my skin useless at some point, rent by savage claws. One of the worst ones almost required stitches.  And how? Most of the time the perpetrating action is simply kneading lovingly. But there are others... like the one time I was drunk and fell on the stairs while carrying Loki. I woke up and thought I'd been mugged. Or separating Khaleesi from the chihuahuas, Conan and Xena. Or surprising Eris while drinking from the toilet (she was drinking from the toilet, not me).   And yet, like the little evil scorpions that they are, we accept their nature. Part of their charm is that they could end you if they so chose, bu

Buzzkill is one of my favorite kinds of comedy. Whether it's Dana Carvey with his Open Wound Man , or Dracht in Debbie Downer  I can't have enough of these characters. It's where comedy goes to die and I'm all in. Probably explains why my comics are so globally unpopular (womp-womp)! One of my faves of all time: Steve Carrel an Kristen Wiig at an awards show.   Steve Carrel didn't break character!

 Trying out one of my old comic ideas as a one panel.

In college, late nineties, I wrote a sophomoric paper about beauty standards and how the size of the ideal woman was shrinking. My whole life until then things were standardizing down to skinny and pale. Heroin chic was a thing. I believe that things are changing a little bit. Back then, the attempts to revitalize beauty standards were led by Benetton, a company whose solution was to jam together skinny girls of all colors.   Lately, you are seeing different bodies, faces and even skin conditions in billboards and, man, does it give me joy. One day even a pear shaped boy like me could be seen sporting tighty whiteys for all you ladies out there!  It only took like 40 years. I wonder why it takes so long to curb some things. Or should I say 'curve' in this context? Next in my list of things that I would love to see before I die: Metric system adopted in the US Tipping culture cancelled (fair wages) LGBTQ humans don't have to fight for their basic rights  Enragement doesn'