51. Piled On

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From the vantage point of this respite I'm having from depression, thanks to therapy, medication and love; I can describe a bit how it felt. Not only does it not help knowing that you have 'no reason to be depressed', that knowledge is part of the stereophonic,self-hating dialogue that keeps you depressed. Guilt and depression like to hang out together, but the truth is that depression doesn't care about success. So don't be too hard on the successful depressed, their suffering is likely as real as anybody's. 

Comments

  1. saraJanuary 10, 2019 at 1:03 PM

    I don't need a reason to understand your depression and I don't have an answer on how to fix it.
    I am here for you. I'll sit next to you silently and just keep you company. I'll write you and won't need an answer. I'll send you a quote or a photo every day.... just because I want to. Just know I see you. You don't need to pretend with me. I'll watch TV while you nap. I am here for you. All I ask is that you allow me to care for you, to love you and that you will not question why I am here for you.
    It is what it is.

    - Those are the answers to the question of "I'm a little depress" that matter the most. Just because my life is better than others doe snot diminished my pain.

    PS: Of course I learn that thanks to therapy, medication and love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. malingenieJanuary 10, 2019 at 1:28 PM

      The only thing that matters is getting help. There is help. Many kinds. Some will click better than others.

      Delete

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110. The Anniversary

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My dear readers, marriage was never in my plans. Since I had long decided to be child-free, marriage didn’t seem to be so necessary. I still don’t think it’s a necessary part of life, just do what feels right, people!

I had been with my partner for about 5 years when I popped the question. We were on a wonderful vacation in Asia and there came a moment in which I couldn’t think of anything other than asking her to marry me. I bought a cheap-ass (wow hyphens are important) ring from the street and popped the question out while in a pool by ourselves. It came out of nowhere, and as an absolute surprise to both of us. 
In terms of compatibility, I had never met anyone like her. She laughs at my shitty jokes, while belting out far superior material. She likes to kick ass at work and kick ass at relaxing. She has taught me many amazing things, from craft beer to spicy food. She is the person who I want to grow up to be, most of the time. She swims and splashes between the oceans of of bad…
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109. Accidental Excercise

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I will never enjoy working out. I know that people in the self-help fields try to stay away from ‘always’ and ‘never’ statements.  Well in this instance, they are wrong. I will never enjoy working out.

However, I do enjoy walking nearly 10,000 steps every day and it is because I get to walk to work. So that has to count towards my fitness goals, right? Right? *crickets*

I like the concept of accidental exercise. Somebody should write a book about the micro-exercises that we could do all day that could have a non-infinitesimal effect.

Parking far away from your your destination.Standing up at work.Carrying weight when walking from meeting to meeting.Gesturing maniacally while talking.Forgetting stuff in your car a few times a day.Taking the stairs I hope someone writes this book that confirms my bias that I am doing ok.
Extra Panel:
One way to become more absent-minded.



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107. Happy.

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Authenticity. Most of the time when someone says something nice about me it’s about authenticity. When they say negative things, it runs the gamut: absent-minded, forgetful, weird, clumsy, childish.

I feel authenticity is a spectrum, however. Too much authenticity and you get the far-too-honest-asshole,  too little authenticity and you have the con or shyster. I try not to linger too much on the corners. Speaking of which, my wife and I are currently absorbed with the podcast "Who the Hell is Hamish". If you are interested in people with zero authenticity, it is a must listen.

Authenticity is defined by some psychologists as the congruence between your internal and external self. It’s hard for me to keep one from the other, so what you see is usually what’s going on inside.

I have never been able to shape my face to something other than what I am feeling, yet somehow it has been the appropriate thing to do for my entire life. So if you’re like me, frowning your worries away…
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108. Forbidden Fruit

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First of all, let me on the record stating how complicated I find that in English the word for the burning spiciness is 'hot'. So a dish can be cold and hot (Like Thai Larb) because it's served cold but it is spicy hot. Or hot and not hot, like  pizza margherita. It's a little screwy and you know it.

88% of my Facebook page readers seem to like-a the spice-a, so I bet my love of all things hot is in not lost on you lot.

I find that my new found love for hot food is inspirational. I had spent my whole life avoiding that category of seasoning. I just didn't need it. When the love of my life introduced me to this, I felt for it instantly. Right now I think I eat even more hot food than her. It's not a competition, but I'm killing it. There's something about that burning, tasty, lingering feeling that comes with adding a few SHU to your meals. It has changed my life.

How many other things like this are waiting in the periphery of your mind? I discovered dr…
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106. Uplifting

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Esteemed readers, I am not an overly ambitious person. That makes me a rarity among many of my friends and family. It took me a long time to discover that it is perfectly OK to be just OK in the dimension of ambition.

What I found to be true in my life, however, was that you can lack the classical ambition of things and status and yet have a yearning for making an impact. Currently I work with an organization that helps adults obtain the literacy skills that the system failed to grant. It fulfills me more than any promotion or more bundles of cash could. However, I’ve also discovered that I don't need to help assholes.

Psychological research warns us against the rat race of the pursuit of happiness. The jollies you get from achieving your goals are short and fleeting. So if you are not enjoying the journey, it will be all for naught. So, dear reader, if you’ve read this far all I want is to share that little nugget. Make sure you are not focused on other people’s goals. Choose a d…
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104. Primitive Regression

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Dear readers, social behavior is like a muscle. And mine is as flaccid as your average GOP member's dangling neck blubber. I have always found joy in solace, happiness in oneness and validation in self-immersion.

I enjoy hanging out with some people. I really, genuinely, do. However, even the most interesting, laid back, and nice people drain me a bit. The only person who doesn't exhaust me is my wife. For some reason she just feels like an extension to me. Like an angelic ingrown hair or a serene wart, she is a part of me. Legally. She is bound to me legally. So if she is upset that I just compared her to a wart for shits and giggles, she would have to go through a lengthy process to get rid of me.

There has been years in which I venture out more than others. Years in which I say yes to social contact a little more freely. Those years seem to be also years in which I save up on bail money just in case.

In any case, here's the extra panel:

It's an homage to Mystery Sc…
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105. This Place Sucks

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Ahhh. The internet. The promise of the library of Alexandria, but the reality of the Library of Babel. Gen Xers saw this whole thing unfolding. We saw how it started as a place with great niche information, interesting message boards and slow loading porn. We saw it evolve into a place supported by ads, shaped by your biases and with fast loading porn.

Today any idiot can have a webpage (what-what tens of thousands of hits right here, baby). Any idiot can write in the internet's pages. And every idiot does. I like to think about the messages that we put out there and try to make them sound like they came from a human mouth in a social setting. It's awful! You would just hear people saying stuff from their subconscious, consequences be damned. No real back and forth, just a bunch of people saying awful things about other people, other artists or other gamers. No one really comports themselves like this in a social setting. Except that one dude, but everybody hates him!

I'm…
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